At What Cost?

Does your story sound like mine? For over 20 years I was a slave to the quest for a perfect body. For perfection in all areas, really.  For so long I thought that life would just be so. Much. Better if my thighs were thinner. That all my issues would magically disappear and I’d live in this fairytale of perfection, riding my unicorn off into the sunset.  Well, OK, maybe not the unicorn part, but you get what I mean. Truth be told, as a perfectionist all I got was low-self confidence, poor self-esteem and a whole lot of work to do in the worthiness category. 

I am constantly fascinated with myself as I continue to do personal/self-growth work that the layers of my life keep peeling open. A few years ago it became clear to me that I gave up so much in life to try and have the perfect body. I always felt the need to have complete and total control over myself for fear that if I let go just a little bit, if I became just a little vulnerable, my life would spiral out of control. Meaning, I wouldn’t be thin anymore (and I’d be fat).

Today, in this moment, I live in the body I had feared for so long. However, my life is juicier and way more satisfying and I am taking the risks that I never felt I could back when I was trying to be small and perfect.

So my question to you:  What has trying to be thin (or have the perfect body) cost you?

Here are some answers that applied to me. See if they sound familiar:

*Skipping out on events/dinners/parties with friends because I was afraid to eat fattening food.

*Compulsive exercise and the feeling that if I didn’t sweat buckets, the workout wasn’t good enough. Or spending too much precious free time to go to the gym when I could be bonding with my husband/family/friends.

*Comparing myself to others with body parts I desired (tall skinny legs and bouncy hair!) which lead me to more depression and more binges

*Inability to feel my “feminine.” For me, this meant I was so into controlling how I looked and doing, doing, doing that I let my softer, feminine side slip away. I’m only now working with an expert to learn how to access that part of myself

*Lack of sex or promiscuous sex. You’re uncomfortable with receiving pleasure or you search for it in the wrong places in an effort to feel worthy.

Do any of these sound familiar to you? The above all represent my life for many years. It was only until I realized that accepting my body as it was, flaws and all, was more important than having a “perfect” body that I began to heal. That I began to LIVE.

And let me tell you, my life is a heck of a lot better now than ever before. How could a body I always feared bring me so much joy? Hmmmmm.

So, what is the quest/desire/drive/need to be thin, to possess your perfect body, costing you? Are you giving up deeper relationships, happiness, having FUN?  Make a list, like I did, of what you’re missing out on and perhaps you’ll discover that your drive to be thin isn’t really worth it after all.